Inappropriate Christmas Behaviour
Dec 20 2007 | Views 203 |
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Tags: Blogprintpen blogprint short story comedy comic short story guwahati assam
Tags: Blogprintpen blogprint short story comedy comic short story guwahati assam
(This is another extract from the book I'm writing.)
For Christmas, our three heroes and one heroine went for midnight mass to the Don Bosco School Cathedral. The cold weather had draped a light, affectionate mist over Guwahati. At the cathedral, everyone’s spirits were up. The lights brought spontaneous smiles to everyone’s faces, and joy was abundant.
Angnam had already had a few drinks and was feeling light headed. He had been singing carols all the way.
“Good thing he didn’t wear the cap,” said Amit to the others as Angnam inspected the crepe. “Else we’d be hearing the first ever rap carols.”
“Hey, that’s a good idea, man,” said Angnam enthusiastically. He had heard. “Let’s try…Aint’ nothin’ but Christmas Mamma said – yo – yo – Budday of Jesus of Nazareth – yo – yo – “
“Angnam, shut up,” said Amit.
“Shut up, idiot! People are around,” said Bruce.
Angnam piped down and they walked into the cathedral. They settled in a pew almost at the back. Angnam insisted on sitting in the corner, next to a pillar, because he was likely to fall asleep.
As the service progressed, Amit, who was sitting next to Angnam, noticed that his rapper friend’s eyes were slowly but surely downing shutters for the day. His head was also lurching forward. Angnam recovered a few times, but he was sure to lose the battle with Morpheus eventually. Amit put his arm behind Angnam’s shoulder and placed his hand against the pillar as a headrest for Angnam.
Angnam stayed awake for the first two hyms. But when Bishop Robert Kerketta came on for the sermon, he began fading fast. Out of the corner of their eyes, Amit, Bruce and Angela saw his head slowly tilt and fall onto Amit’s hand on the pillar.
“Huh, what?” said Angnam, waking up in shock at the same instant that Amit mouthed a soundless “Ouch!” at the crunch situation his knuckles had landed in. A few people in front of them turned to look. Fortunately, Angnam hadn’t been that loud, or more would have heard.
“Oh, sorry,” said Angnam, sincerely apologetic. The others just smiled feebly at the staring people. One particular aunty, who looked like she was the jailor of some ultra-conservative convent, was glaring at them very disapprovingly. When they had all turned back, Bruce mouthed some silent abuses at Angnam.
A couple of minutes passed off uneventfully, with Angnam on his best behaviour. But the vodka was singing lullabies in his head and he started drooping again. Amit’s arm was feeling a little weary, so he removed it from behind Angnam’s shoulder for a while.
Unnoticed by his friends, Angnam’s head again started swaying. It slowly descended towards the pillar and hit it with a hard thunk just as Bishop Kerketta was saying:
“Be not afraid, all ye faithful, for the Lord has said –“
“F*#@!” exclaimed Angnam with a start.
Unfortunately this time, he had been so loud that half the cathedral had heard him. Even the good Bishop had heard something, although not the exact word. Everyone in the cathedral was now staring at Angnam. The ones who had heard his choice of expletive were glaring, and the jailor aunty was open mouthed in horror, and looked like she would have loved to wash Angnam’s mouth with soap and then cane his shiny exposed arse to within an inch of his life. A few girls, however, were trying hard to hold back their giggles. Bruce felt his ears go hot, Angela felt extra blood in her cheeks, Amit scratched his brow and tried to look away, and all three of them just stared at their own shoes while thinking of ways to strangle Angnam, and wishing that they were anywhere, anywhere but sitting next to him.
Angnam realised instantly what he’d done. He looked up, looked right, looked left, saw hundreds of people staring at him, opened his mouth to say something, saw jailor aunty’s killer glare and was again struck dumb, looked at the Bishop, looked at the faithful folk again, then finally mumbled “Oh…sorry.” He looked at his buddies. They were all looking at their shoes and wishing either he, or they, were dead.
If embarassment were proportionate to one’s size, Angnam felt like King Kong and Godzilla cross-bred. He quietly got out of his seat, didn’t look at anyone, and headed for the nearest exit.
Bishop Kerketta was an experienced preacher. Every Christmas, he saw some poor souls lose their battle with sleep during midnight mass. He didn’t blame them. He himself had drunk a full glass of coffee before coming to spread God’s word and joy. So he just continued his sermon as though nothing had happened.
When Communion time finally came and Bruce had partaken of the Body of Christ, they immediately went outside to search for their spiritually fallen comrade.
They found him literally fallen as well, sleeping behind the crepe. His mouth was open and he’d forgotten to zip his fly after peeing Godknowswhere. All three burst out laughing.
“Oh God! This is too good! Take a picture,” said Bruce. “Wait! Lemme arrange a light.”
Bruce swivelled one of the crepe bulbs to light Angnam. Amit took out his mobile and took a few pictures, including a closeup of Angnam’s open mouth. When they were done, they shook him awake, still laughing.
Angnam was very contrite as he came to, “Eh, guys, very sorry huh. Very very sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Bruce and Amit couldn’t stop laughing.
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